The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
