He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
