There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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