Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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