Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
