He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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