the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
