I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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