I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
