my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
