I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize