I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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