So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
