i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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