Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
