i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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