Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
