Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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