Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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