She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
