just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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