I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I want her autograph on my taint
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
