tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize