dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
