i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize