The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
