she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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