If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
