I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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