he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
