Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
