I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
