The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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