I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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