Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
