He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
