I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
