I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
As shirtless as possible
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
