Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
