I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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