Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
