I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
