How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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