god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
