the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
being pregnant is like rehab
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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