Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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