The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
