So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Dick very happy bro
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He shit in the fireplace
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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