Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Boobs are out for the taking
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
