There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
