This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
