Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I didn't shave. On purpose
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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