This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
