just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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