i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
